Arggggh!

My boy is all about being a pirate the past week or so, so I keep screaming "Arggggh!" at various and often inappropriate times lately. Forgive me.

Played a little cahds last night on Noble, and doubled my measly buy-in in about 10 minutes or so. Hand of the night was holding AJo and getting pushing into on a 2J7 flop. I had watched this guy for a few minutes and saw that he played (and lost) just about every pot. He didn't reraise this hand pre-flop, and I doubt he'd play The Hammer, so I couldn't put him on anything higher than pocket nines.

I called.

The turn and river come down rags, the pot ships my way (he mucks), and just like that, I'm up $4.00.

Another player at the table (tight/aggressive type) said he went back into the hand history and found that the guy had been playing pocket nines.

Nice read, P.

After that, I won a few small pots here and there, but mostly folded, since I know how I tend to play after consuming dizzingly amounts of Busch Light...and it ain't good.

On the home front, I'm sitting here at the Horicon Public Library checking out the hot geriatric beetches (boomin' grannies, hear that ladies?), and peeing AND shitting blood whilst waiting for the damn bank to get back to me for final loan approval. Seriously...do they not have computers? Are they doing their calculations on a fucking abacus or something?? It's not that hard, folks. Sweet baby Jebus.

The main strike against us is not having jobs at the moment. Dudes, I've got money in the bank, tons of money coming my way on 8/24/06, and I have a decent credit score. What's not to like?

EDIT: We got the loan, it's all good in the hood. They're screwing us on the rate and giving us an ARM until we get jobs, but WHEW!

Oh yes, jobs. Always with the jobs. Oi. I actually found two, count 'em two AV sales jobs in the area that would be perfect for me. I called and sent resumes this morning.

Wish me mad luck, yo.

Home is Anywhere You Hang Your Head

We have officially sold our house in Minneapolis.

We have had our offer accepted on a house here in Horicon, WI.

All we need is the bank to get back to us with the final loan approval on Monday, and we'll be good to go.

HOORAY!!!!!!!!!

Have a great weekend.

Hammer

Click to enlarge (it's worth it).

Thanks to B for putting it together.

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Last night, I played in a home game in Milwaukee which I originally thought I was told by BadgerBucco was an "underground" MTT in the basement of a Mexican restaurant. It was actually at a guy's house who lives near a Mexican restaurant. At least I got the basement part right.

It turned out to be a 10-person turbo SnG, and it was a blast. Why was it so fun? Because I took that motherfucker down, that's why. I was catching cards, making good reads, truly analyzing the board, calculating odds, and laying down hands when I need to. I have a tendency to be dead money at a live game, but last night everything just clicked.

Also, I got vengeance for this hand (see #1). Same exact cards, different outcome. W00T! Sorry, Josh.

I was dealt aces twice, cowboys once, and AK three or four times. Surprisingly, I was never dealt the hammer. Not once. These boys play something called the "tit whistler" which in its purest form is 74h. There are, of course, different variations, but these chaps played it like aces. And they showed everytime.

After the tourney was finished, there was a cash game that I basically broke even on. Since I'm the worst Omaha player in the world, I lost 1/2 my stack during those rounds chasing draws and/or thinking I had the nuts, only to find out someone else had the mortal nuts. I brought my stack to one dollar over even during the last round of Hold 'em, so I was up all the way around for the evening.

That is, of course, until Josh and I went back to his pad and dronked off $20 or so on SnG's on Pokerroom and Stars. Blah.

Thank God for live poker.

SOLD! (For Realz)

I'm back in the Cities (again...) playing B's poker roll, trying to make up the $5 I lost him last week. I'm up $3 now, so we'll see...

So, it's sold. I pulled the trigger, we took the hit, and we're still up an assload of money, so all is good in the hood. Ding dong, the crack house is gone. We close one month from today.

The funny part is, after we signed and faxed back the paperwork on Saturday morning, we decided to head to an open house in Horicon.

Smurfette fell in love. The house is perfect, and everything we've been looking for. Three bedrooms up, 2 baths, big back yard, 3 season porch, HUGE living room, formal dining room, walk-in closets in each bedroom, and an unfinished (and future) poker room in the attic. It's perfect.

We make an offer this week. Huzzah!

In other news, this apparently is bad for you. Who knew??

POKER UPDATE: Back to even....

The Andy Griffith lifestyle suits me, I think. Hell, my red-headed boy looks like Opie, so even the analogy fits well. Just need me a fishin' pole and a 10 inch wang.

We went to the Marsh Days Parade today, and had a blast. The kids went nuts, collected candy thrown from floats, received overpriced balloons from grandma, and went Bizzaro Superman when the camels and horses came by. It was awesome to see people lining the streets anticipating a little town parade. After it was all said and done, I heard that people had put lawn chairs out the night before the parade to claim their spots. I almost cried... Seriously. And NOBODY better call me a pussy for it. I'm so excited, all six of my nipples are tingling.

POKER UPDATE: Back to being up about $3, maybe a little more.

Ok, as you've probably figured out, I've had a couple beers and am posting out of my ass. Who cares?? Life's good, house is sold, found a house, I just bought a scooter, and I've got a great ass.

Still, need a job tho. Ah, yesssss.

Stupid reality...

POKER UPDATE: Took a HUGE hit, and now am back to owing B $5...stupid two pair losing to a set....

Oh, and BadgerBucco? Had a KEEEEELER time at the engagement party last night. So good, in fact, that I drank that Smirnoff Ice shit before we left, because the beer was almost gone. Thanks for everything. I'm proud to be your best man.

Bring on the hookers!!!

NOT Sold

So.

Yes.

Aw, fuck.

The offer fell through. Apparently we have $498,293 of work left to do on our $150K house. I got a call from my realtor with the news and it felt like I got sucker punched and the wind knocked out of me. I may have crapped my pants, as well. Not sure about that one, I haven't changed clothes yet.

The buyer's inspector said that we need a new roof (well, we knew that...), a new boiler for the furnace (WTF??), and there are foundation "issues" (W. T. F.???).

Funny, none of that was reported in the Truth in Housing inspection we got done, and we've never had a problem with the furnace, or leaks or any other "issues" with the foundation.

But, my friends, every cloud has a silver lining.

We got another offer. By a guy who flips houses. And he's offered to buy it "as-is".

Praise the Sweet Baby Jebus.

We ran the numbers and we're only taking a $5K-$6K loss vs. the other offer, so we're taking it. Hell it'd cost about $9K just to put a new roof and furnace on that bitch.

And have I mentioned that we're a family of five living Anne Frank-style at my mother-in-law's place?

Yeah, it's time to sell. Shit and get off the pot and all that. Cut that jibba jabba!

In pokering news, I made a couple bucks stacking some tourists at the .02/.05 tables on Stars last night, which was a nice mental diversion from all of the house bullshit I had endured all day.

The six pack of James Page White Ox Wheat Ale didn't hurt either.

Sold?

We signed off on a purchase agreement to sell ye olde crack den yesterday. The buyers gave us asking price, but requested that we cover closing costs. Since time is of the essence, we agreed.

Buyer's inspection is this afternoon, so barring anything insane (like them finding the feces I smeared all over that walls before we left yesterday), we'll have a deal done by Friday.

Gulp. This shizzle is happening for rizzle, yo.

Damn, I gotz to get me a job, buy a big block of cheddar cheese, throw on a Packers jersey, grab a case of Milwaukee's Best (sponsor of the WSOP), some fixins to make an Old Fashioned,eat some goulash, and PAR-TAY!!

Not much poker play the past day or two, unless you count donking off one of my roommate's buy-ins while I "showed him how it's done". After 8 beers.

Sorry, B.

Did I Mention Duggle Rules?

Cuz he does.

He took my craptastic banner and made it about 800 times better. Avert your eyes upward.

Welcome to the alley, y'all.

Watch your back, cuz I've got a 7 of clubs in one hand a 2 of spades in the other.

And I ain't afraid to use them.

"There's a New Guy in Town

and he's...feelin' GOOD! Get a smile, get a song, for the neighborhood
there's a new guy in town on his own two feet
and this boy's here to say
with some luck and love life's gonna be
so sweeeeeeeeeet!"

You ever see that show Alice, man? That show was funny as hell.

Well, not MAJOR updates here at the old P household, but a little different. As much as I loved Duggle's banner, I got to really start hating the name of my blog. Bloody P Plays Poker. Wow. I ooze originality. My name is Bloody P and I play poker. GENIUS! I originally just created this site to have a place to vent about my wins and losses on the virtual felt. But it's grown to be a place where I've made quite a few digital friends and even started ranting about my personal life, our big move, etc. It's been one of the most pleasurable experiences I think I've had on a computer (excluding porn, of course).

So. Yes.

I've changed the name of this here blog to "Back-Alley Mugging". I've been reading Harrington Vol. 2 and when I saw the chapter title, it just jumped at me and said, "Hey, asshole. Why don't you use me as the blog name you've been looking for? It's perfect."

So I did.

I've also removed all of the sites that I wanted to schill for (except Poker Savvy, because the rock), because really. I don't care. I didn't make much off of Titan, and it cluttered up the walls of this blog like an Kirk Cameron poster from 1989.

Let me know what you think. Love it? Hate it? Don't really care? All suggestions and comments welcome.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

Changes are coming to this dusty little corner of the internet fairly soon. I've gotten confirmation from a third party that he is willing to help me get out the broom and dustpan, clean up, pull down the Farah Fawcett posters, and redecorate a bit.

Back in Minneapolis for a couple of days to take care of some odds and ends that are house related, then back to Anytown, USA to look for a job.

Question: If a tobacco company is hiring a sales rep and offering a salary of over $70K/year, is it pure evil of me to apply?

Discuss.

Mmmm....Cheeeeeese

Back in Wisconsin after a physically, mentally, and spiritually damaging 11 hour road trip. Ugh. Good to be back where the humidity is actually below 120%, and there aren't bugs the size of turkey vultures dive bombing my white ass. Oh, and I'm now back in a wet county. Praise the sweet baby Jebus.

Got to get this out of the way now. slb159 should be known as one of the 'true' hammer players. Sure, we all play the hammer with aplomb, but how far do you REALLY go with it? I played with SLB two nights ago and he called an all-in with ye olde 72 offsuit...and rivered a straight to take the pot. After the birth of my children, and maybe my wedding day, it was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen in my life.

Wrigley has just about mastered potty training, so I can spare you all from the inanities of a proud father blathering on about his kid's bowel movements. He did mention to Smurfette the other night that he thought his penis was "really cute" and the top "looks like a peach!". Long story short: he gets it, he likes it, and only wear diapers at night. Huzzah! Another pound for the king (and by pound, I mean the astronomical dollar cost of diapering someone who weighs 26 pounds and stands 2 1/2 feet tall...and no, I'm not talking about Iggy).

Short post today, as I am at the library in Horicon again. I hope to get some sort of internet up and running at the house this week, so I can waste more time blogging, and donating my (not so) hard earned money to bloggers at the penny tables.

Now go read the 5 following blogs:

Drizz
Shadowtwin
Pauly
CC
Chad

Potty Party!!!!

With the exception of taking a few bucks off of Drizz and SLB last night, yesterday was spent continuing the potty training process for our 3 year old boy, Wrigley. And we have a party. Everytime he uses the john, we blow horns, cheer, give him M&Ms to eat, and stickers to put up on his big posterboard "W" on the wall next to the can.

We are doing what we did with our (now five year old) daughter Tyrah, which is: the day they turn three years old, the diapers come off and the underwear goes on. The only exception is when they are sleeping. Otherwise, they're big enough to frapulate in the toilet.

It worked wonders for Tyrah, who figured it all out in about a span of 4 hours on her birthday. Once she 'got it' there were no accidents. Haven't been any since. She even started staying dry at night a few nights after she figured it out, when we bought some nighttime pull-ups for her that she overheard us say were going to be uncomfortable to wear if she wet at night and thus would help along the process of total potty training. She thew a fit. She said she'd rather sleep in her underwear than wear something "umconfratable", so we let her. She hasn't had an accident day or night in two years.

Wrigley is a different animal. The first day, the little fucker didn't even try. We gave him "Thomas the Tank Engine", "Cars", and "Bonus Code: Iggy" underwear, but it didn't seem to matter. He pissed his pants 5 times and crapped them once. It think it was the cable-laying that he especially didn't like, because Day 2 went much more smoothly, and now he's hopping up on the can like an old pro today, Day 3. He actually sat through 2 hours of the "Cars" movie today without an accident and whizzed immedately afterwards in the bathroom at the theater. Which made me extremely happy, because he was sitting on my lap the entire movie.

I know, nobody wants to hear fucking potty training stories on a poker blog, but one funny line from Wrigs was when he hopped on the toilet and tried to push out a turd. One tiny butt-nugget came out. He ran into the living room, naked as a jaybird and proud as a papa and exclaimed, "A little brown marble just shot out of my butt!" and then proceeded to show everyone this marvel of the universe.

Kids.

After the wonderful world of body secretions, I checked out the Hoy on PokerStars and ended up in a little .02/.05 NL game with Drizz, slb159, and Shadowtwin. Again, a good time. This time because I (not SLB this time) pretty much ran the table. I started with $4, and left the table with about $19.50. Not a bad little profit for goofing around with a few poker bloggers. SLB was once again on my immediate right, and raised my big blind every. fucking. time. It got to be annoyingly funny. I won every time (thankfully), but one hand was a suckout of magnatude proportions. I believe I had KTo in the BB, and SLB pushed his last $1+ to go all-in, as he promised he was going to do. If memory serves me right, he had TPTK on the flop, but I ended up rivering a straight to bust him. He probably should have doubled up.

A hand I feel sort of bad about was busting Drizz's (slowplayed) set of 6's with rivered king-high flush. It was a pretty bad beat for Drizz, and I ended up with a good chunk of his stack.

It was a good time and, hell, even George Costanza showed up to play a hand or two. What more do you want?

"Watch This"

I finally had a chance to play some damn poker last night. Unfortunately, it wasn’t in Vegas with umpteen other bloggers, but it was fun. Got an invite on the Barbie chat from his High-ness to play a penny table on Stars where slb159 and ShadowTwin were playing as well. Damn it felt good to be a gangsta. I had played a little bit earlier on Noble, but was distracted by the kids running around, two dogs, a cat, and four frogs in Grandma’s feather bed. Plus, the Kentucky heat was giving me a case of the junk-sweats, so I wasn’t all that comfortable. It was impossible to find my groove, so I turned it off after losing a buck.

So, after an afternoon and evening of potty-training my boy (fun, fun, fun), and after getting Jordan’s invite, It was a pleasure to jump onto the Stars table. I had a blast connecting with some broggers, and making a whopping thirty-six cents in about a half an hour. I was up and down, and finally got up for good on my second to the last hand when SLB raised my big-blind.

SLB’s favorite line in the chat box is, “Watch this”. Almost anytime he entered a pot, he’d type it in. He had raised my BB earlier, and I came over the top of him for fun to see what he’d do. As suspected, he didn’t really have a hand and succumbed to the awesomeness that is the Crimson Urine. After he folded, I told him not to mess with my BB, to which he replied, “Next time you’re in the BB, I’ll raise with any two”.

And he did. When the BB came around to me again, he typed, “watch this”, and raises .22 (11x the BB) on the button. I looked down and found K7o, a perfectly good hand to go to war with.

Since I knew what he was doing, I re-raised the .46 pot to .70. and he insta-called. The flop came down 5s-Kh-2h, I threw out a pot-sized bet and after thinking about it, he folded, putting me up thirty six cents for the night. SLB, don’t you NEVAH mess with my blind again, beeeeyotch. I’ll take my 9 (of clubs) and put a cap in yo ass.

Long story short, it was fun as hell to get back on the tables, sling some micro-chips, go to war, and meet some new bloggers.

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In other news, we’re not taking the land that my parents offered us. After we discussed it, the only thing that was really tempting (to me, anyway) was tee-dub’s invitation to Iggy’s homegame. And it’s still tempting. Well, that and the free land. All in all, though, I’m not sure I could live down here. The land is beautiful, the people are friendly, the pace of things is slower, and the cost of living is lower. But it just doesn’t feel like home. There's nothing here that calls out to me in the least. It would be nice not to have icicles hanging off my testicles in January, though.

My sister is due with her third child (three under three, yo. Yikes) in five days, but they may induce her today because of blood pressure issues. If so, we’re leaving tomorrow instead of Thursday as planned. My parents will be uber busy taking care of her other two kids, while she and her husband adjust to the new arrival.

Which means no Harrah’s poker room for me. Which I really, really wanted to do. In Metropolis, yo. Home of motherfucking SUPERMAN. They’ve got a statue of him in the town square, for God’s sake. Can’t get much better than that. Except maybe the WPBT Summer Classic in Vegas…I’m not bitter or jealous that I’m not there, not at all. Fuckers.

It’ll be nice to get somewhat back to reality in Wisconsin later this week, when I can blog with some sort of regularity, read more blogs in my bloglines, and actually try to play some longer stretches of poker.

An Indecent Proposal

So, first off, I can't believe I'm in Kentucky instead of Vegas right now. Seriously. All of you who are going to come back with your wild WPBT stories? Fuck off. OK, I'm kidding. No I'm not. Yes I am. Wait. Am I? Damn.
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Father, it's been 8 days since I've played poker...
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This may change, as I've found out that Harrah's has a casino w/poker room in Metropolis, IL, which is only about 40 minutes from Kirksey, KY where I'm currently crashing. I'm planning on going on Monday or Tuesday, so if any non-Vegas-going broggers are in the area, email me if you want to hook up and take all of my monies.
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So. I'm in Kentucky. My parents are living on 62 acres of land here. In a mobile home. Groundbreaking on their dream house begins this fall. It's beautiful here; rolling hills, winding roads, pungent yet heartbreaking smells, and family. I've made mucho fun of the south, but good god, southern hospitality is no myth. It's alive and well in the greater Paducah area. Conversations are made out of nothing: a child's card game, looking for soap, buying gum. Any of these things can lead to a half hour of talking and laughing. My opinion of this place has changed quite a bit, even in just the past three days.

So here's the deal. Today, my mom and dad offered us 5-10 acres here to build on. For free. Carved out, signed, notorized, given to me and my family just for the pleasure of having us closer to them (and my sister and her 742 kids).

It's a hell of an offer. We could sell our house, build our dream home and be close to loved ones. We'd be close to Murray State where I could finish my degree dirt cheap, the cost of living here is lower, we'd have tons of land for the kids to roam and play on, I could fuck donkeys whenever I pleased... These are the pros.

The cons?

It's fucking KENTUCKY.

Smurfette is sort of intrigued by the idea, since we are at a point in our lives where we can do anything we want to do. Me? I'm entertaining it. Like Carrot Top entertains. 'Nuff said.

Jebus. Kentucky? Me? From the Cities to the sticks? I don't know.

Southern bloggers, activate! Form of INPUT! Shape of INFORMATION!

I've had too much wine in this dry county to think straight tonight.

Welcome to Kentucky!

We rolled in around 10pm last night, after being on the road for 11 hours. It's absolutely beautiful country here, and my parents place is in no man's land. I thought small town Wisconsin was quiet? Horicon, WI is NYC compared to this place.

The people have been friendly and the southern drawl is actually sort of endearing (to this Yankee).

Here was my primer to entering KY:

My parents live in a 'dry country' (no booze) in KY, so I figured we'd better stop in Paducah and get some wine, since we're going to be here a week, and I'll be damned if I'm alcohol free. We've been in KY for roughly 15 minutes. I find a liquor store with a drive thru window, park the car, and head inside. This is what I hear:

"Nuh uh, Dale EARHARDT'S the fag!", yells a driver from outside of the building.

"Jeff Gordon's bout as queer as they come, asshole!" yells the overly mannish woman behind the counter to whoever is outside of the drive thru.

"If I had a gun, I'd shoot you!" the driver screams back. I finally get a glimpse of him and to say that he was sporting a super-porno-moustache with an uber-aggressive mullet would be the understatement of the century.

"Gordon takes shots up the ass! Oh, hi! You find everythin' OK?"

Obviously, these two knew each other and were kidding around, but while I stood there in my ripped up Schlitz baseball cap, Ben Folds Five T-shirt, flip-flops, and cargo shorts buying WINE, I couldn't help but think that if they thought all of that about two NASCAR drivers, what they could possibly be thinking of me.

Welcome to Kentucky.