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Thursday, July 06, 2006

Welcome to Kentucky!

We rolled in around 10pm last night, after being on the road for 11 hours. It's absolutely beautiful country here, and my parents place is in no man's land. I thought small town Wisconsin was quiet? Horicon, WI is NYC compared to this place.

The people have been friendly and the southern drawl is actually sort of endearing (to this Yankee).

Here was my primer to entering KY:

My parents live in a 'dry country' (no booze) in KY, so I figured we'd better stop in Paducah and get some wine, since we're going to be here a week, and I'll be damned if I'm alcohol free. We've been in KY for roughly 15 minutes. I find a liquor store with a drive thru window, park the car, and head inside. This is what I hear:

"Nuh uh, Dale EARHARDT'S the fag!", yells a driver from outside of the building.

"Jeff Gordon's bout as queer as they come, asshole!" yells the overly mannish woman behind the counter to whoever is outside of the drive thru.

"If I had a gun, I'd shoot you!" the driver screams back. I finally get a glimpse of him and to say that he was sporting a super-porno-moustache with an uber-aggressive mullet would be the understatement of the century.

"Gordon takes shots up the ass! Oh, hi! You find everythin' OK?"

Obviously, these two knew each other and were kidding around, but while I stood there in my ripped up Schlitz baseball cap, Ben Folds Five T-shirt, flip-flops, and cargo shorts buying WINE, I couldn't help but think that if they thought all of that about two NASCAR drivers, what they could possibly be thinking of me.

Welcome to Kentucky.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

You have me laughing ! What part of Kentucky ? We may be up in Indiana in a week or so for a family vacation/reunion and may come back through Kentucky (since we have never been)

7/6/06, 2:38 PM  
Blogger alabare said...

If anyone tells you "you got a purty mouth"...turn around, leave...and don't look back!

7/6/06, 3:09 PM  
Blogger Heavy Critters said...


We're near Paducah, KY, which is just over the Illinois border. Probably pretty close to Indiana as well. It's funny, you can slowly hear the accent thicken the farther and farther south you go in Illinois. I'm used to it, though. As much as I give shit to Southerners, I come from their stock. My grandparents on my mother's side were born in KY and lived in Indiana until they died. Trying to talk to my Grandma was like trying to talk to someone speaking Portugese at times.


I'll keep my ears open and my sphincter shut. Thanks for the tip.


7/6/06, 3:41 PM  
Blogger The Bracelet said...

Goddamn are you totally gay, or what? Wine from a redneck liquor store?

You should have been buying some premium backwoods brew like Natural Light. They woulda thunk you a one uh them richens for sure.

I used to head to the middle of nowhere, officially called the Land Between the Lakes, for golf boozing and gambling. Great time. I do recall it being somewhere near Paducah.

7/6/06, 3:42 PM  
Blogger CC said...

Get to Argosy outside of Cincinnati (Lawrenceburg, IN); fifteen brand spankin new tables. If you're closer to Louisville, there is a Caesar's with thirty tables. Inbred money spends just as good...

7/6/06, 4:59 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm drinking bourbon right now, in honor of you. And because I really like bourbon. And I might be an alcoholic.

Enjoy Kentucky. The Mrs. lived in Paducah for a bit in her youth. You should see HER drinking bourbon. Like her liver offended her, I swear.

Hope to see you back at the tables soon. Of course I've won so much I can't be bothered to roll so low with you anymore.

Mr. P.

7/6/06, 7:30 PM  
Blogger B said...

They sell wine there? I would have thought you just had to pull up to the roadside still to get your jug of moonshine.

If you do see some moonshine, bring back a jug for us yanks.

Oh and "watch your cornhole mang"

7/6/06, 11:19 PM  
Blogger TripJax said...

Guard your grill, BP, guard your grill...

7/7/06, 1:04 PM  
Blogger jusdealem said...

Lemme guess, the wine was in a box, right? ;)

7/7/06, 4:27 PM  
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